Today is day 5, out of 3 weeks. While it has only been five days it might as well be an eternity! It hasn’t taken me very long to realize I’m straight up addicted to coffee. Not like in a “oh, I just really like coffee,” it’s more of “I depend on coffee for survival and to not kill anyone including my husband and children.”
The first morning waking up to no coffee was a bummer. I thought to myself, “How can I get out of bed if I have no coffee to look forward to?”
“It’s ok,” I retort to myself, “I’ll just get up and do the routine.”
The day ensues. I feel dry during my prayer time; I make the girls breakfast – side note, oatmeal never looked so tasty – my breakfast includes scrambled eggs on whole wheat toast with avocado, yuck. I feel myself angry at the slightest nuance! Scripture begins to come to mind, “quick to listen, slow to get angry” blah blah blah, my heart is so focused on what I can’t have, what I NEED to function that I’m missing the point entirely. I start saying to myself things like, “Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for? I don’t have to prove myself to anyone! 3 weeks is too long to go without coffee and chocolate cake…seriously!”
By lunch I have a horrible headache; I choke down a sweet potato wishing it was a sandwich with pickles, and, with a short temper, lay the girls down for naps. Yes, peace finally…actually no! My mind can’t stop running through all of the things I’m fasting! All I can think about are the peanut M&M’s Phyllis sent home that are so temptingly lying on the counter! This is when I normally have my second cup of coffee and I haven’t had a single cup all day!
Here I sat a steaming heap of unthankfulness sipping on my ice water. That’s where Holy Spirit met me…just a small thought. He said, “Give thanks.” To which I said aloud, “NO…I’m not thankful.” (Right?! That was definitely the mature “spiritual” thing to do…sorry to disappoint!)
Honestly, the last few days have been a cloudy, angry, stubborn, unthankful blur! But as I sit down to write out my experiences and feelings, I’m seeing a little more clearly. It’s so easy for me to reach for a coffee, or whatever else it happens to be, by saying “I deserve this!” The truth is, food is only something that is temporary; it doesn’t last. It’s a physical need, sure, but we are lavished with so many choices and options.
It’s estimated that every day 26,000 children die because of starvation. That’s roughly 1 child every 10 seconds! How do I have a right to be unthankful when God has so richly blessed me? I’m safe in my home, I have running water, more than enough food for our family of 5…so much food that we throw it away…what a luxury!
Paring down the excess in this area has so illuminated where I put my comfort. It’s been so convicting realizing that most days I walk around doing pretty much whatever my flesh feels. I lack discipline…it’s an uncomfortable area for me to say “NO” to myself, but thanks to God for someone He sent to be our comfort! How can we allow the Holy Spirit to do His job, for us to be comforted, if we stay comfortable?!
Holy Spirit, please continue meeting me where I am, not leaving me a spoiled brat, but reminding me of the Father’s love, His heart for me, and for all those that would turn to Him! Help me remember those that go with less, the lost, broken, and hurting! And help me to always be thankful, trusting in the plans God has placed before me!
“Whatever happens, dear friends, be glad in the Lord.” Philippians 3:1